Hello SPNFamily:
I am a former Angel. My reasons for leaving them were many,
one of which was to regain and protect my mental health. But first a little
background
Around the first of the year I joined CA. When I did I
walked into a cluster. They had just either removed or someone left (don’t
remember name) that did something (not sure exactly what to do this day) and
they were going on about drama from said person. (if said person of that time
reads this I apologize for what they put you through). I watched as they sat
there and pawed through twitter looking for her to say anything and then they
would pounce. A couple DMed her also and then I watched as they spun it like
she did something against them and they were the victim.
I was in shock. I couldn’t believe that this is how a
charity organization would function. I’ve work for charity/nonprofits in the
past and never, ever experienced this. If you want to know which one, DM and I
will tell you (I don’t want to drag them into anything they don’t need to be
messed up in). It was soon after that I found out that there was no 501 3(c).
Thank you to the other former member who pointed that to me, you know who you
are. I should have left then, but I
didn’t.
They will love bomb you. By that I mean as soon as you join
before you get to know them or them you, they all say they love you. For
someone who doesn’t have a lot of friends in RL, it was a nice. To be so easily
accepted and then told you are loved. Isn’t that what everyone wants?
Shortly after I joined the whole thing started with TAW
social media meltdown. I really didn’t know anything about him or what he had
been accused of. I was told that everything was lies, that this was all done to
a) get him kicked off the show and b) to get him kicked out of the cons. That
it was all a plan by Lua and Emily and some members of Creation themselves.
That Creation themselves hated him, that Clif hated him and wanted him gone.
Then it was added that he himself cut ties with Creation due to the prices they
charge. Stupidly I took this at face value, I mean why would they lie about
this.
I need to pause here and apologize to the victims of this “man”.
What I was told and basically feed is disgraceful. In this era to have mostly
women tearing down and trying to discredit victims while at the same time
telling their own stories of assault and harassment was wrong and felt
completely vile to me.
So started the not in public not on twitter support for TAW.
I am admitting I participated in this. I’m sorry please forgive me. I am guilty
and ashamed that I did this in the first place.
I am also ashamed of and ask forgiveness for the targeted
bullying that has happened to a member of this fandom. I feel sick to my
stomach at how I let myself be manipulated by this. I have never meet nor have
I ever had any experiences with the targeted person. I think you all know by
now it is Lua.
One example of this is when Lua put up a poll, we angels
were asked (but not directly) to go mess with it. Something along the lines of
this was said “I’m not saying go post but if you do be nice” with a giggle. And
then when someone would post and the share the screencap of it in the chat, it
was meet with praise.
And whenever drama came up over TAW, even if it was he
himself stirring it all up, Lua was to blame. That somehow everything with
drama was and will always be her fault.
And that is basically how everything was. They move from one
drama fire to the next, each one started by them in some way. There was and is
no real structure to group. Sure Vic is the “leader” but she couldn’t even keep
orders straight that were placed for her “jewelry”. I tried on many occasions
to get some organization going. Spreadsheets for each campaign, trying to get
people to commit to working on them i.e. each campaign having a group of people
taking it from concept to finished product. Nothing ever stuck. I would be told
we would get to it.
Oh and the campaigns were a joke. Now I am not one to tear
down someone’s artwork, since I can draw to save my life but some of the designs
looked so off. I would literally ask myself: “They are planning on charging what
for that?!”.
During this time with CA my partner whom I call Big Daddy
noticed a personality change within me. I was no longer the bright, happy positive
person that I was. I had become closed off, bitter and angry. I would lash out.
One weekend he asked me to step away from social media, to just be in the here
and now. A small spark of myself started to come back. Talking with him we discovered
that it was the constant drama and negativity from being in CA that was greatly
affecting me. I started to step back.
Towards the end of my time with CA my mother in law fell
ill. Cancer. We started to prepare as a family for the end. I watched a strong
spit fire of a woman become a shadow of herself. This woman welcomed me and my
oldest son into her family with open arms and no questions asked. She was
smaller than me but man when she spoke all listened. For reference I am 5’2”.
I reached out to a few members and told them what was going
on. I was told basically by all but one; “Ok, do what you gotta to do.” I was
floored. Here my world is being changed forever and that is what I was told. Weren’t
they my friends? Didn’t they love me and care about me?
On the night she (my mother in law passed) I had someone
tell me. Nothing, crickets…Not one word. I wasn’t looking for a pity party or
for attention. I just wanted my friends to tell me that everything was going to
be alright. That I was strong and that I had to be strong for Big Daddy and my
boys. I got crickets. I was done.
At this time the SB was going around and I got struck by it.
One day one of my mutuals dropped me in a GC and was like, “This is Mell, she’s
good people. Mell these are good people.” And there I found my family.
It took time but I found myself again, with the help of my
family in real life and my family on Twitter. I discovered what real friendship
is and what true and real acceptance is. I hope they all know how much I appreciate
them all. And how much they all mean to me.
So there it is, my CA story. Please SPNFamily, forgive me. I
will do whatever I can to get them shut down. To get Vic to stop calling them
Castiel’s Angel’s cause they are anything but angel like (well maybe they are
like all the other Supernatural angels and are dicks). To anyone who gave Vic money the many times
she said she couldn’t make rent. I apologize. I apologize to the many that her
group members bullied and harassed. Trust me she was more than likely egging them
on with her, “I’m not saying you can’t post but be nice” bs.
I APOLOGIZE.
